Un-reality check

Last Tuesday – 2nd May – was my last day as a consultant. My last day as an ’employee.’ I’ve finished with the day job to pursue my dream of being a writer (and of becoming a ‘crazy cat lady’ – see last week’s post).

So, this is my life now. I’m a writer. I am building a business as a content manager – developing written materials to support online membership services – and I work from home.

And it feels weird! In truth, I’ve been working to build my business for a few months now – ever since I realised that writing for a living might be a possibility for me – so I have, in effect, been doing two full time jobs. If someone asked me to go on a trip or to go to a concert or to meet up for coffee, my first mental response has been to wonder how I’ll fit it in with all my various work commitments. So much so, that that mental response has become a habit. This week, for example, when I was asked if I wanted to go for lunch with my mother, I was still wondering how I was going to fit it in.

It will take time, I suppose, to get used to the idea that I’ve got space and time and that I get to have days off and that my commute is 5 minutes instead of 5 hours. It will also take time to work out a rhythm to my days and to my weeks. At the moment, I’m still operating a bit ‘ad hoc’ as if I’m on leave from work and can amble about as I please. It’s all part of the adjustment I suppose and, right now, none of it feels real.

We have patterns in our life and when one of them changes permanently, it can take time to adapt to the new circumstances. After 20+ years working in the field of change management, I should certainly know that. And yet, somehow, I can’t find a place for myself on the Kubler-Ross curve (known by many as the ‘change curve’). I planned this, so I’m not in shock. I know it has happened (and I wanted it) so I’m not in denial. I’m not feeling fear or anger (although I will admit to the occasional “OMG-OMG-OMG, ” moment when I realise I don’t have a nice regular salary coming in each month) and I’m certainly not depressed. I think I covered all those stages before I resigned.

And yet, I don’t feel I’m on the upward slope either. It is as if I’m living in my own fiction – that this is all a creation of my imagination and the real world is going to kick back in at any moment. It is just… odd.

So all I can do is keep moving forward and wait for the truth to sink in. But in the meantime I will keep writing and working on my future and trying to convince Lola not to eat flowers…

Watch this space – once I figure it out it’s going to be amazing!